Friday, November 5, 2010

ouch! Change

It feels lopsided being straight!

My neck is like, WHAT!!  is going on here, and now has a kink.  I did TaeBo for an hour yesterday for the first time in about 10 days and today I could hardly get out of bed.  I had to wake up in the middle of the nite to take some IB Profin.  Doing an hour of TaeBo with my chest up and out and my back and neck straight sounds pretty normal but for me OUCH!  My arms from my elbow to my shoulder blades hurt, my stomach and my hips are sore, my behind is killing my and my back is sore (in a good way).  The only thing that is not sore are my legs. 

I am just doing whatever I feel like doing day to day for now.  Because my posture has changed so dramatically I am slowly doing anything.  It's fun to run now, I am up to 2.5 miles per day, 3 days in a row with 2 days of stretching in between.  My hips are sore all of the time.  I notice my posture change after 2 miles, I get tired and then my chest lowers and my hips start to sag.  For the remaining .5 mile I have to stare in the mirror and concentrate on my posture alone.  It's working though, I started at 1 mile and am adding .5 miles per week until I reach my 10 mile per day goal.  After I reach the 10 miles per day, I will be strong enuff to start speed training.  YIPPY!

Update on the Connection Post:

The crying has ceased.  I have opened up to my BFF and to Joe.  The nightmare's are gone so for now.   I have talked about it like I probably should but I will never talk about it again. I don't have time for emotional bullshit that was sooo long ago.  I didn't "deal" with it then because all I needed to do was get away.  I understand that I do exercise because I love it and also because I initially was driven to it by an emotional need to feel strong.  The End!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


 I haven't done anything this hard since birthing my children, (big kids, no pain meds) thought I was gonna die.
I shake during these new sessions, according to my chiro that is when you know you have tapped into your core.
I cry, bawl during every single stretching session.

I don't like to show weakness even to myself in the mirror, obviously.  I hate that it is hard and I can't force my body to do it.  It somehow makes me feel bad about myself and very disappointed.  I don't get it, I can eat like a horse and not get mad at myself but if I can't follow thru on a stretch, I cry.

I had a nightmare about him last nite, that's two in a row.  I wake up crying in my sleep.  I've had nightmares about him before but not for a at least 6 months.  I usually don't talk about it to anyone, I don't need to.  But I'm going to today because I've found the connection between my body and my past.

I think because I've been thru physical abuse that feeling week physically is just not settling well with me.  After that relationship,even though it was ended, the physical shit still went on, it turned into some kind of party amusement, let's so he has to pull him off of Mandy tonite, will he choke her, punch her in the face for no reason or kick the shit out of her.  I started working out during this time and running, I also starting fighting back, even giving him a bloody nose at a party once.  It was nice to have his blood on my clothes and not mine for once.  He was twice my size, not a fair fight.

When Joe and I got together I started kickboxing and that put a fire in me that still burns in me today.  I had my mind set that I would never ever be touched like that again without a fair fight.  And I never again was.

Having these nightmares during this difficult new regime has proven to me that my workouts are not just for me to gain physical strength but mental strength as well.  I've never questioned why I HAD to workout, I just figured I like being healthy and enjoyed doing it, but now I know it's much more than that, it really is my sanity and not for my wonderful every day busy life but from a past I wish I didn't have, I'm running from a weaker Mandy, a Mandy I should NEVER have been!

Change, finally!

I haven't given up.  I have however changed my path.  I have been working on stretching out my hip flexors.  Holy CRAP, I'm tight and it's hard.  I spend 1 hour every 3rd day just stretching, yoga and core strengthening.  My first day, I cried, actually I bawled like a baby and I could barely walk up the stairs when I was finished.
I have been only running 1 mile and concentrating on my form.  There has been a change.  First of all my shoulders are looking more even and my left leg feels like it is hitting the ground more than usual.  YEAH!
Eating, I am now over my monthly curse and back on track.  I was 119 two weeks ago and am back to 125 already, after 10 days of eating A LOT of whatever I want, still healthy, although I added some mini candy bars, smarties and cherry pie to the daily routine.  I hate halloween!  damn!  No control at all during those 10 days, that's how it for me almost every other month.  I'm not angry or disappointed because of it, the first 6 lbs are very easy to lose, it's the remaining 7lbs I'm going to struggle with.  When I get back to running regularly I will have no problem losing the last 7, especially if I can get strong enuff to run daily.

So rather than focusing on my weight, (I will lose the last 6..again)  I will be focusing on stretching and core strengthening on a daily basis.  I cry every time, what is up with that....I will tell you in the next post.

Monday, October 18, 2010

PMS a force to reckon with.....

It is 6 days before I start and I cannot compete with hormones!!  I have ate like an oinker since yesterday.  I had lunch today with our Milgard Rep and ate WAYYYYY  to much!  The kids and I are making a haunted house made out of ginger cookies and candies, I want to knock it down and EAT IT!!

I knew my attitude would change during this time.  I just thought if I knew it was coming and I knew I was not allowed a cheat day that it would be ok.  BUT NO!!  My little PMS mind says to my normal healthy mind, "It's just 1 day off the wagon, no big deal.  It's just two days it's ok.  Hell you know what it's totally the season of eating, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Life is too short, eat what you want now and start again in January."  I wish I could stab that PMS bitch in the eye!

I think my PMS mind is going to win this round, I am going to still stay away from the sugar cause it gives me headaches, but if I want some damned toast with a little honey, I'm eating it!

We'll see if this is going to last or attitude today is that I totally agree with eating during the eating season.  SHIT!!  I am a strong women, I am a strong women, I am a strong women.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Pics at 119lbs, 7 more lbs to go, over half way there!


No Cardio no Poop!

Enuff said!  I have started my taebo DVD's again, I forgot how much I LOVE that work out.

My running partner Becky has been exercising to some DVD's call insanity.  Never heard of it, I should watch more TV probably.  They have it at our local gym, be I am going to buy it and then she can come over in the mornings and work out with me!  YEAH!

Helpful Advice

the Facebook controversy has spread to ppl who aren't even on my friends list.  I now feel like I have more support than not with my goal this winter.  Runners understand runners, so nice!

Mark Haines came by and was telling me to try these Five Finger Running shoes!  He knows guys in the military that use them to change their gait.  Apparently they make it so that you have to walk and run on the front of your foot, ?my toes? weird! I've done some reading and they are only $80.00 at REI and well worth the try.

I am also looking into a running clinic that is available in Bend.