Wednesday, October 27, 2010


 I haven't done anything this hard since birthing my children, (big kids, no pain meds) thought I was gonna die.
I shake during these new sessions, according to my chiro that is when you know you have tapped into your core.
I cry, bawl during every single stretching session.

I don't like to show weakness even to myself in the mirror, obviously.  I hate that it is hard and I can't force my body to do it.  It somehow makes me feel bad about myself and very disappointed.  I don't get it, I can eat like a horse and not get mad at myself but if I can't follow thru on a stretch, I cry.

I had a nightmare about him last nite, that's two in a row.  I wake up crying in my sleep.  I've had nightmares about him before but not for a at least 6 months.  I usually don't talk about it to anyone, I don't need to.  But I'm going to today because I've found the connection between my body and my past.

I think because I've been thru physical abuse that feeling week physically is just not settling well with me.  After that relationship,even though it was ended, the physical shit still went on, it turned into some kind of party amusement, let's so he has to pull him off of Mandy tonite, will he choke her, punch her in the face for no reason or kick the shit out of her.  I started working out during this time and running, I also starting fighting back, even giving him a bloody nose at a party once.  It was nice to have his blood on my clothes and not mine for once.  He was twice my size, not a fair fight.

When Joe and I got together I started kickboxing and that put a fire in me that still burns in me today.  I had my mind set that I would never ever be touched like that again without a fair fight.  And I never again was.

Having these nightmares during this difficult new regime has proven to me that my workouts are not just for me to gain physical strength but mental strength as well.  I've never questioned why I HAD to workout, I just figured I like being healthy and enjoyed doing it, but now I know it's much more than that, it really is my sanity and not for my wonderful every day busy life but from a past I wish I didn't have, I'm running from a weaker Mandy, a Mandy I should NEVER have been!

Change, finally!

I haven't given up.  I have however changed my path.  I have been working on stretching out my hip flexors.  Holy CRAP, I'm tight and it's hard.  I spend 1 hour every 3rd day just stretching, yoga and core strengthening.  My first day, I cried, actually I bawled like a baby and I could barely walk up the stairs when I was finished.
I have been only running 1 mile and concentrating on my form.  There has been a change.  First of all my shoulders are looking more even and my left leg feels like it is hitting the ground more than usual.  YEAH!
Eating, I am now over my monthly curse and back on track.  I was 119 two weeks ago and am back to 125 already, after 10 days of eating A LOT of whatever I want, still healthy, although I added some mini candy bars, smarties and cherry pie to the daily routine.  I hate halloween!  damn!  No control at all during those 10 days, that's how it for me almost every other month.  I'm not angry or disappointed because of it, the first 6 lbs are very easy to lose, it's the remaining 7lbs I'm going to struggle with.  When I get back to running regularly I will have no problem losing the last 7, especially if I can get strong enuff to run daily.

So rather than focusing on my weight, (I will lose the last 6..again)  I will be focusing on stretching and core strengthening on a daily basis.  I cry every time, what is up with that....I will tell you in the next post.

Monday, October 18, 2010

PMS a force to reckon with.....

It is 6 days before I start and I cannot compete with hormones!!  I have ate like an oinker since yesterday.  I had lunch today with our Milgard Rep and ate WAYYYYY  to much!  The kids and I are making a haunted house made out of ginger cookies and candies, I want to knock it down and EAT IT!!

I knew my attitude would change during this time.  I just thought if I knew it was coming and I knew I was not allowed a cheat day that it would be ok.  BUT NO!!  My little PMS mind says to my normal healthy mind, "It's just 1 day off the wagon, no big deal.  It's just two days it's ok.  Hell you know what it's totally the season of eating, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Life is too short, eat what you want now and start again in January."  I wish I could stab that PMS bitch in the eye!

I think my PMS mind is going to win this round, I am going to still stay away from the sugar cause it gives me headaches, but if I want some damned toast with a little honey, I'm eating it!

We'll see if this is going to last or attitude today is that I totally agree with eating during the eating season.  SHIT!!  I am a strong women, I am a strong women, I am a strong women.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Pics at 119lbs, 7 more lbs to go, over half way there!


No Cardio no Poop!

Enuff said!  I have started my taebo DVD's again, I forgot how much I LOVE that work out.

My running partner Becky has been exercising to some DVD's call insanity.  Never heard of it, I should watch more TV probably.  They have it at our local gym, be I am going to buy it and then she can come over in the mornings and work out with me!  YEAH!

Helpful Advice

the Facebook controversy has spread to ppl who aren't even on my friends list.  I now feel like I have more support than not with my goal this winter.  Runners understand runners, so nice!

Mark Haines came by and was telling me to try these Five Finger Running shoes!  He knows guys in the military that use them to change their gait.  Apparently they make it so that you have to walk and run on the front of your foot, ?my toes? weird! I've done some reading and they are only $80.00 at REI and well worth the try.

I am also looking into a running clinic that is available in Bend. 

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Massage Therapy

Nope she's totally not going for it, she doesn't think 15 lbs is reasonable either and she sees me almost naked.  As the massage proceeds she now is looking at me differently and does agree that in my buttocks/upper thigh area, there is some extra there that can go, do I dare show her my 30" waist.  Oh yes ladies, I wear my clothes well!

But she agrees with the goal and will be helping me as much as possible.  She worked hard at removing a nasty lump in my back and we stretched out the right hip and massaged the nasty ass psoas muscle.  I felt  sick and dizzy cause I had to pee during the psoas muscle massage, don't tell her, she's be pissed at me, I didn't want to interupt.  After this session this is how I felt, FU$$ing back, neck, psoas, hips, and hammies!  Today I truly felt like a wreck, she's gonna have her work cut out for her this fall/winter. 

Monday, October 11, 2010

the therapists

I started seeing my first massage therapist when I was pregnant with Reece because he was huge and I was huge.  The weight I was carrying around was killing my hips and back.

I could only afford to see her every two weeks.  Just a routine relaxed massage.

After I had Reece I continued with the massages.  She noticed during one session that my left leg was about an inch shorter than my right leg.  She felt my spine, noticed that I have scoliosis and referred me to a physical therapist.

It took me 4 years to finally go see him...and it wasn't for scoliosis, it was for running.

It didn't take the PT long to notice that yes I have scoliosis, left leg shorter, twisted hips, 1 droopy shoulder and neck issues.  I started seeing him mainly because I was having knee pain when I was running, I wanted exercises to make me stronger so I can run more competetively.
I saw him for a whole summer, once a week, did all the exercises he prescribed and then I felt like we were running in place and not making much more progress after we ceased the knee pain.

I found Crystal over 18 months ago.  I didn't tell her any of the other prognosis.  I figured if she were good she could find stuff out on her own.  She did, immediatly.  You can always tell when the massage therapist finds stuff by the grunting and heavy breathing noises they make.  LOL! 
She found lots of calcium deposits on my right upper hip area, I forgot the technical term, but the area in which I suffer from pain daily.  She worked on stretching my left hip and massaging my whole body.  She told me I have over developed calves and under developed hamstrings. 
So I started seeing her regularly. 
She then referred me to Fred a very known therapist who uses hammers to pound out calcium deposits and uses a more effective (somewhat painful) method of therapy.  After 1 hour with him, I was sweating and not sure I would ever go again.  But the next day I felt so much better, I had more mobility in my hips and neck.   So I did see him again, the next time he spent the whole time on my neck, UCK!!!!
Crystal would check my knees to see how unlevel I was before most of the sessions.  I would come in lopsided and leave level.  FRUSTRATING!!! 
This last summer Crystal thought I should go see a chiropractor.  Now this was funny to me because I thought all massage therapist hated chiropractors and visa versa.  Not Crystal, she looks at the beyond and is not so close minded.  Love her!  
I went straight there, took x-rays and found that the scoliosis has been corrected, I will gladly take credit for myself and Crystal for that!  The x-ray also showed my hip, so not aligned...lame!  And to add some more bad news, I have a military neck, straight as an arrow.  No wonder my neck hurts! 
Crystal came to my second appt with the Chiro, they had a difference in opinion and Crystal was right.  It was strange to have them both talking about me like I wasn't in the room but so comforting to know how much they care and are trying so hard "fix" me. 
I was given several back and neck exercises and was adjusted every 3 weeks.  Again...weak back and weak hams.  I was also advised to not work out for a while and just stretch, I pulled a hammy that starts in my butt down to the back of my knee that has tightened up my right rear side so much that my flexibilty is soooo minimul.  Did I way, it was in the middle of running season!
So now that running season is over for us, I am going to compile new regime that excludes running, includes walking, stretching and hip strengthening. 


Sunday was really lame, I was starved until dinner.

I ate so many vegi's and fruit but it was never enuff, I was hungry.  I ate scrambled eggs for dinner and ate too much so I went to bed feeling very naseau.

Most of the weekend I felt sick when I was hungry and then sick after I ate.  I don't know what that's all about but I talked to Joe about how I felt and he said he feels like that sometimes too, so I am not going to worry too much.

This morning I woke up and wore a skirt that hasn't fit me "just right" since I bought it, it set lower on my hips than it normally does which indicated I have lost some off my waist already.  HOOT  HOOT!
I have read that the average girl should have like 5 to 7 inch difference in her waist and hips, I have a 3" difference.  HMMM, I wonder how weird that would look if I actually had some curve in that area, that would be cool.

But today, I had my usual apple and almonds for breakfast and had to force myself to eat lunch around 2pm (big bowl of vegi's and grilled chix breast).  Felt really good all day physically although a little disheartened from a morning issue with a customer that left me disappointed in myself.

I think I will not be eating anything other than my almonds and apples in the morning from now on. 

It's so much easier to not think about working out when I have to be at work at 8am instead of 9am. 

Tomorrow is Tuesday, I have my weekly massage with Crystal, I will be discussing my new goals and how I am to acheive them.  After the comments on FB I am now a little scared to have this discussion but she has been with me for over a year now and knows my dedication.  I bet she'll be supportive, she always is :)

I will be talking about the instructions from my Chiropractor, physical therapist and massage therapist over the next few days.  In doing this I am hoping that it will remind me to get it done!

Sunday, October 10, 2010


I thought I better update on what I have already altered in my diet.

The month of August I reduced carb intake significantly.  I know the controversy over crabs, I myself believe that you need carbs for brain and physical energy...however, having cut back on my exercise so much I figured I could reduce carbs to 20 to 30 grams per day and be fine. 
I suffered with severe headaches for about 3 weeks, I was hungry and yes I was a little spacey and tired.
This did not last though and in September the headaches were gone and so was the exhaustion and spaciness.  The most significant result was that my appetite was gone.  I usually have to remember to eat something and force myself to eat breakfast.

Now in October I have added fruits and oatmeal on some days.  I still do not eat breads, pastas or any commercially baked goods.  My stomach has shrunk so much that I am full eating 1/2 of what I used to eat in a meal.  I only eat dinner as a full meal, during the day I eat vegi's fruit and nuts and feel satisfied.

Yesterday, for instance, I did eat a lunch because I was home and able to cook.  I stir fried greens and mushrooms with lots of garlic using a very minimal amount of olive oil spray.  For dinner Marsha, Lexi and I made Chicken Yakisoba, I didn't eat the noodles but did eat the chicken and all of the yummy vegi's.

This morning I ate a small bowl of raspberries and strawberries with crushed walnuts and a tbsp of lite whipped cream and a cup of coffee.

Today for a lunch I will eat cherry tomatoes and avocado with tomato basil feta.

Not sure if Raw Vegan is gonna work for me, I like my feta and I love whipped cream with my fruit and coffee.  I don't want to make a set decision about that because I'm hoping it won't be necessary to go to such extremes.  I take one of the best multivitamins made and calcium by Melaleuca.

Again.....I want to go to the GYM!!!!!!  It's like I'm pulling away from a very strong force....what do I do with the energy that coffee gives me in the morning.  I'm scared that my body is suffering from not having cardio, how is this effecting my heart.  I am anxious and unsettled.  There has to be something I can do that will not "pump" my legs.  I can hit the bag and not kick it, I can do push ups and maybe fast walking.  I have to do something, I'm gonna dress and go downstairs, it's time to experiment on new ways to break a sweat! 

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Weird Saturday

This is my first Saturday that I haven't worked out (when I am home) in forever!!
As usual it was instinct to just awake, coffee and go put on my work out gear.  Instead I got in the shower and was dressed and ready to do something before foreign.

I have two wonderful housekeepers to clean the house on Fridays so I didn't even have anything to clean!
I was supposed to go to Elgin to meet with a customer, I did that yesterday instead.

So I found myself at work, naturally!  I have to say I am actually bored....Madelyn and Reece have playdates over here and are entertaining themselves without my help.  Volleyball game in 1 hour and then dinner with Marsha, Adeya and Eva!  I can read for 1 hour!  YAY!

I have gone from working 6 to 7 days a week and working out in any spare time I have to ???.  I think I will enjoy this blog thing, I can talk to whoever wants to listen and just let it out, I can see how this could be a part of ppl's lives.

New Goal:  Now that I have all this time from not working out and working....I think I will observe my children and learn more about them.  This is so new to me, I am excited!  It is so strange not to be rushing all of the time, I can take my time, and I find I'm not yelling at my kids as much to move their hiney's!

The Goal

First let's just say I have never been curious about blogging and have only read 1 blog ever, Jenny's, when she was trying lose weight after her son.  I thought it was an invasion of privacy whether it was encouraged by the blogger or not.

Having said that, I have decided that this new challenge that I am starting will take encouragement from my friends and family.

I struggled with my self image when I was in my 20's.  It took me so long to realize I was no longer going to weigh 97 lbs.  I worked out excessively, at first it was because I wanted to look good and stay looking good, it was all about how I looked to others.  I did make head turn and it was addicting.  After having Madelyn I lost the weight pretty easy and was starting be very satisfied with my body.  I gained almost 55 lbs with Reece and afterwards I could not get it off.  I wouldn't go to the grocery store for 6 months. I noticed that I wasn't getting the double take anymore, I was so sad.  But I kept up with my workout routine and finally after 18 months the weight started to melt off.

I did become obsessed with my routines, I still can't wake up in the morning without instantly thinking coffee and gym.  I have always worked out 8 or more hours a week.  It is part of who I am.  Fruits and vegis take up 80 percent of my diet, not because I feel I need to eat this way, because it is what I like and crave.  I do not count calories but I am very aware of what it is I am putting in my mouth and what benefit am I getting from eating it.

Since my girl's trip the first week in August I have not worked out more that 2 hrs per week, crazy!  I haven't had time to eat much or work out.  I am aware that I am working out less therefore burning less calories so I instantly stop consuming too many calories.  I have not weighed myself since just before the girls trip.  But at the beginning of August I was at 127lbs.

Goal:  I want to change my "normal weight"  I have been for 5 years.  I want to be about 112 lbs.  For 3 reason,first: to be able to run until I'm 80 years old, you do not see 80 year women with any extra muscle or fat running at that age for a reason.  2nd, to run faster for longer.  3rd, reduce pain in knees, back and hips.

How will I do this:  October thru January
I cease to do any leg lifts, presses or lunges.
I will cease to do 700 to 1000 core exercises a week
I will no longer run 20 miles per week average, I will not run for this period
I will cease to eat butter, oil or cheese or bread and try vegan (if I can stand it)
I will cease with my 1 day eating of irresponsibly
Increase stretching and yoga, without any strain to my legs at all

After this I will be down to 112 at least.  I will have strengthened my posture and changed my gait.
February thru March:  Retraining
Start running with my new gait that will allow longer and quicker strides.
I will run faster for as long as I can three times per week twice daily until I get up to 10 miles per day
Start working core daily
Start adding in more carbs to increase stamina.

After all this my goal is to be able to run 6:45 for 6.3 miles (10k) and start running 1/2 marathons 2011 season.