Connection

 I haven't done anything this hard since birthing my children, (big kids, no pain meds) thought I was gonna die.
I shake during these new sessions, according to my chiro that is when you know you have tapped into your core.
I cry, bawl during every single stretching session.

I don't like to show weakness even to myself in the mirror, obviously.  I hate that it is hard and I can't force my body to do it.  It somehow makes me feel bad about myself and very disappointed.  I don't get it, I can eat like a horse and not get mad at myself but if I can't follow thru on a stretch, I cry.

I had a nightmare about him last nite, that's two in a row.  I wake up crying in my sleep.  I've had nightmares about him before but not for a at least 6 months.  I usually don't talk about it to anyone, I don't need to.  But I'm going to today because I've found the connection between my body and my past.

I think because I've been thru physical abuse that feeling week physically is just not settling well with me.  After that relationship,even though it was ended, the physical shit still went on, it turned into some kind of party amusement, let's so he has to pull him off of Mandy tonite, will he choke her, punch her in the face for no reason or kick the shit out of her.  I started working out during this time and running, I also starting fighting back, even giving him a bloody nose at a party once.  It was nice to have his blood on my clothes and not mine for once.  He was twice my size, not a fair fight.

When Joe and I got together I started kickboxing and that put a fire in me that still burns in me today.  I had my mind set that I would never ever be touched like that again without a fair fight.  And I never again was.

Having these nightmares during this difficult new regime has proven to me that my workouts are not just for me to gain physical strength but mental strength as well.  I've never questioned why I HAD to workout, I just figured I like being healthy and enjoyed doing it, but now I know it's much more than that, it really is my sanity and not for my wonderful every day busy life but from a past I wish I didn't have, I'm running from a weaker Mandy, a Mandy I should NEVER have been!